Monday, March 28, 2016

Letters to Heaven

I think today that heaven will be abuzz with with messages.  So many people sending thoughts and prayers and wishes.  Of course there is a steady stream of traffic of those messages throughout the year.  But on this day, when you, Laramie, and Brooke were gathered up by the angels and taken from us, the world stops a bit as we all remember our last goodbyes.  And you three were loved by so many.

I cannot focus all of the things I wish and wonder, I will need so many letters to heaven over the years.

Dear Jaycena,

It seems like so long since we have talked.  How are you doing in your new place?  I wonder if you have birds, and bunnies, and horses, and cats since you always loved them so.  Can you see the Saskatchewan sunsets and the waves of wheat moving in the slow summer winds from your place?

I wish I had a new picture, so I know how you wear your hair now that you're 23, and is your favorite color still green?  I could use your help finding some new music for my ipod, and I wish you could play me your new favorites and tell me about your adventures.

I'd like to hear about where you've been and the things you've seen.  I wonder if you can go anywhere and see anything.  I like to think you visit us lots, and hear what we say to you.  I hope you are with us as often as I think you are.  Do you see your great grandma's a lot?  What about those cats of mine?  You have so many friends and family with you now.  But still so many to check on back here, especially that little brother of yours, who is doing just fine I must say.

I don't need to say I wish you were here in person.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table at Grandma's, how many hours we all spent around this I couldn't guess.  But it feels like you should be in the chair across from me, with your feet up, in some cozy sweats and a T-shirt telling me about your life, and we could tease whoever wandered by next.  Because if you were here I think everyone would be gathered up, and there would be lots of people to tease.  I wonder if you'd be making your chili, and if french fries would need to be on tonight's menu.  It's a great day to sit on the couch and watch a movie and sip hot chocolate.  I think about these simple things, things that could be called a waste of time, because these are the little moments that a life is made up of.  I could make grand statements and proclamations, or quote literary giants as I sometimes do, but none of them talk about how I would trade away anything I have for an afternoon of quiet nothingness with you in Saskatchewan today, the simplicity of a movie and a shared bag of ketchup chips.

I would like to invite you to come stay with me -- to walk a piece of the Iditarod trail and see the Balto statue, to see the bears.  But then I wonder if you'd still rather go to New York.  How I'd love to take you there.  There's even a Canadian lululemon there, if you still like that style.

I wish I knew what you should be doing here on earth today, where you had chosen to live and what work you were doing.  After seven years, I know some of your thoughts and plans would be different, and how can I guess where it would have taken you?  Sometimes it bothers me more than others...not knowing these simple things.

"Take me away I need the sand and the waves the sunset and let's not forget those warm autumn days"

I just wanted to tell you I miss you and love you.  I want to ask when I'll see you again, and if you'd be visiting soon?

Love Beetle

It would be a short and simple letter, because I would write again soon.  I would be hoping see you soon too.  Right now am I remembering you smiling in Punta Cana and we drew funny pictures in the sand that the waves would quickly wash away.  I would hope we could go to a sunny sandy beach again soon, if I could hope for such things.

I think a lot today about your mom, and Laramie's mom, and Brooke's mom.  I know they have their own letters to send to heaven.  I think of all your friends and special people who I know feel today as deeply as we do.

I wonder many of the same things for Brooke, and for Laramie.  What special things would they love, where would they be today.  And yes, I wonder about their hair too.

So heaven has more than its share of special angels.  I wonder why they were needed there so soon.  But I do believe we carry them with us always.  And the pieces of us that broke and were lost are carried with them where they are.  And so in that strange way, which is never quite enough, we at least become whole again...on both sides.

Love, always, and forever.

"If you hear this where ever you are just know I need you here.  I need you near me now no matter what I do.
I will always carry you in my heart.  You'll always be my shooting star."